Authors’ note: Last semester, we shared some strategies to help you develop your communications skills in your relationships. Check that post out before reading Part 2 below.
It can feel challenging to know what to do and how to do it in high-stakes conversations, especially if you’re doing it for the first time ever. So we recommend trying out some healthy communication strategies out in lower-stakes scenarios to get some practice. Here are some examples of how you might use healthy communication strategies to have those challenging conversations in safe and healthy ways that are also authentic.
When we communicate our needs, there’s always the possibility of hearing “no” as a response. Rejection can be frustrating and frightening, sometimes making us doubt the relationship(s) and ourselves. The fear of hearing that “no” can make us put off having difficult conversations or avoid them all together. Avoiding challenging conversations can lead to disconnect and resentment in relationships. Rejections can feel personal, even when they are not. A skill from Part 1 that could be useful when managing conversation around rejection is entering the conversation with curiosity.
You: “Do you want to come over tonight?”
Other Person: “No, not tonight.”
Entering the conversation with curiosity could look like a follow-up question such as:
These responses open the door for other options. It might be that the other person is tired or doesn’t want to stay in that night. When we enter with curiosity, we give space for alternatives to be planned out with our partners.
It is likely that we will be around our partner(s) at some point when they are experiencing strong emotions, which can sometimes be overwhelming.
Sometimes, the strong emotions are not even coming from the relationship. When we or our partners are having strong emotions that aren’t stemming from the relationship, a skill we can use is reassessing if it is the best time to have a conversation, and if it is not, pick another time.
You: “I want to talk about our plans this weekend. What did you say we were doing?”
Partner: “I cannot talk about that right now! I am so overwhelmed!”
Reassessing if this is the best time to have the conversation, and picking another time can look like:
You: “We can talk about weekend plans another time when it feels better!”
You could also use this as an opportunity to support a partner with external stressors:
You: “We can talk about weekend plans another time when it feels better! Do you want to talk about what is overwhelming you right now?”
If the strong emotions are stemming from something in the relationship, employing “I” statements and using active listening techniques can be helpful. For example, if your partner was complaining about an untidy living space, they might say:
Partner: “This apartment is always such a mess! I can’t think or focus. I cannot stand it like this in here.”
In that situation, employing “I” statements and active listening skills might look like this:
You: “I feel stressed out by the mess too. Maybe we can work together to come up with a schedule that works for us, and we both can feel better about it.”
You can use active listening skills here by maintaining eye contact and facing your partner, so they know you are present.
It is unlikely that we will see eye-to-eye with our partner(s) about everything. Most of the time, the different perspectives of partners contribute to the fun, interest, and connections in a relationship. Sometimes though, different perspectives can be in conflict with one another. When left unresolved, this can lead to frustration, feeling misheard, or even worrying about compatibility. Conversations around conflicting perspectives could be made easier by trying to work together against the problem (rather than against each other), and by reminding yourselves what you and the other person are working for.
Partner: “We never do anything for Valentine’s Day. I know you don’t think it’s a real holiday, but it matters to me.”
Working together against the problem could look like:
You: “I know, I don’t think Valentine’s Day is a legit holiday. And we show we love each other every day. But I also can see that this is important to you. Can we talk more about how you feel about the holiday, and work together to find something we can do that we both feel good about?”
Reminding yourselves what you are working for can be immensely helpful here, too:
You: “I know we disagree about Valentine’s Day celebrations, but we don’t disagree about how much we care about each other, and that is worth it to me to work together to figure this out.”
As a note, you may notice the above skills work towards understanding each other’s perspective, rather than getting each other to find agreement about the conflicting perspectives. The goal in these conversations is not for partners to change each other’s minds, but to work together to get to a place where they both feel comfortable.
Communication is an essential piece of navigating consent. We cannot read each other’s minds. We have to talk about what we like, want, and need and we must listen when our partner(s) share the same. A helpful skill when talking about sex is clarifying expectations and boundaries. Johns Hopkins even has a public health campaign geared at teaching folks how to ask, listen to, and respect a partner’s wants and boundaries around intimacy.
Asking about expectations and boundaries can looks like:
We can also listen for things our partners are sharing about expectations and boundaries. It might sound like,
If our partner/s are sharing anything that isn’t excited and enthusiastic permission for what is going on. It is time to stop and check in. This can look like:
By prioritizing healthy communication skill in all our relationships, we can make sure that we are having the happy and healthy relationships that we deserve. For more information and for relationship coaching, reach out to the Gender-Based Violence Prevention team at [email protected]. You can read more about our team in this post.
Editor’s note: the cover art for this post came from romance comic book collection of the Sheridan Libraries.