The significant pain of losing a loved one is a near-universal experience.
Mary Frances O’Connor, a psychologist researching the relationship between the brain and grief, depicted grief as waves that continue to ebb and flow, rather than a process that can be easily stopped. Grief doesn’t follow a standard timeline, so it’s important for those who are grieving and their supporters to take their time and not rush the process.
How can we support the people we care about when they are in grief? What do we do when we are in a position of bereavement ourselves?
Here is some advice on how to navigate grief, whether you’re doing it yourself or trying to help someone else.
“I couldn’t do anything without thinking of him,” my friend told me after she lost her best friend in a hiking accident. She blamed nature for taking his life and regretted things she could have done in the past.
After going through some depression, she returned to the mountains, where many of their best memories were created. It took her one year to finally share those thoughts and feelings without triggering sadness.
While people may process their grief differently from my friend’s experience, there are common strategies suggested by the NIH and the American Psychological Association that can help you adapt.
My friend listed some hardships during her healing process: “Sometimes I felt like the world moved on without me. Loneliness hit strongly on anniversaries and holidays we used to celebrate together. Even after the first year, I could burst into tears when triggered by certain things and memories associated with him.”
She learned to honor her friend by writing down thoughts when she thought of him, going to hiking spots they planned to visit, and sharing the process of her loss with people in need.
“Doing these helps me better sort and accept the loss better,” she said.
You know they are in deep pain. This realization, however, may become a barrier to supporting people you care about. Should you avoid talking about their loss? What if you say or do something wrong? It can be awkward when you don’t know what to do.
Remember: your genuine presence matters the most to the griever. The Speaking Grief Initiative provides a comprehensive resource about supporting grief, including the dos and don’ts with specific examples. The following are some major points from the website, some of which apply to supporting people with other traumas as well.
As an alternative to those phrases, voice concerns with questions led by objective statements, like, “You’ve been missing [their favorite activity] for weeks. Are you feeling OK?”
While some people may find a silver lining in their loss of loved ones years later, it is ok just to feel bad about it.
As supporters, we will stand by you and offer our support whenever needed.
If you are experiencing high levels of stress for any reason, consider reaching out to a clinician or other resources for a consultation. Some key Hopkins resources include: