Conflict occurs in all areas of our lives, from personal relationships to group projects to roommate arrangements and more.
At the Office of Student Conduct, we see the positives and negatives of conflict. In this post, we discuss the different ways you can engage in conflict when it inevitably arises.
Conflict is an expressed struggle between at least two interdependent parties who perceive incompatible goals, scarce resources, and interference from others in achieving their goals (Hocker et. Al., 2022).
Essentially, people or groups have goals that don’t match up, there’s competition for things like time, money, or attention, and they feel like the other party is blocking their ability to get what they need or want.
Within this paradigm, a friendly argument about which football team is the best would not count as formal conflict. This exchange wouldn’t fit into the categories of
Being on a university campus means that we often have interdependent relationships with other friends, peers, and the general community. Additionally, college is a time when people are working toward important goals, often with limited time, money, space, or other essential resources. As a result, conflicts are bound to happen, so it’s important to know how to handle these situations in order to keep your relationships strong and healthy.
While often seen as negative, conflict can offer many positive aspects of growth, like newfound clarity, improved communication, and stronger relationships. One of the main reasons a conflict can occur is miscommunication of needs, perspectives, and/or expectations. When we productively work through conflict, we can learn more about the issue at hand and the person(s) we are working with. In doing so, we further build trust with them. While we may not agree completely, we know how they communicate, what they expect, and that they are able and willing to work with us, which sets all parties up for success in the future.
Sometimes, just having the right words to define and describe what’s going on is a helpful step in getting started with navigating conflict.
Thomas-Kilman (1974) noted five different conflict modes:
Let’s think through these different modes through a common occurrence on a university campus: ordering pizza.
For our example, let’s say you and five friends are ordering a pizza and are trying to decide what toppings to get. The group regularly orders pepperoni and sausage but there’s a difference of opinions this time.
A person with a competing conflict style will advocate for ordering their favorite toppings (even if it’s a generally unpopular choice, like pineapple and anchovies) regardless of whether anyone else likes those toppings.
A person with a collaborating conflict style will advocate for ordering half cheese and half pepperoni, if those are the two toppings that the majority of the group wanted, even if it differs from the regular order.
A person with a compromising conflict style will advocate for ordering a pepperoni and sausage pizza even though they didn’t really want sausage, because they know they can just pick it off and others asked for those toppings.
A person with an avoiding conflict style won’t even participate in the pizza order and may even leave the conversation to avoid the conflict.
A person with an accommodating conflict style will agree to any pizza toppings, regardless of their own preference.
The mode that you choose to engage in within a conflict will depend upon the circumstance.
For example, if you have a dietary restriction, you could choose to be competing or collaborating so that you will be able to eat the pizza.
If you have a preference but not an actual dietary restriction, you might choose a compromising style; picking off sausage to DIY a slice of cheese pizza isn’t a big deal for you the way it might be for a strict vegetarian.
If you don’t have any dietary restrictions, and you’re not a picky eater, you could be accommodating if, for example, everyone else in the group is gluten-free and wants to order a gluten-free pizza.
Knowing your conflict style, and the styles of other people around you, can be helpful in navigating disagreements.
We know that all conflicts are not as simple as ordering food, and often arise from more complex disagreements or issues. A student having a mutual conflict with their roommate might not know how to approach the situation, and they might be worried that the conflict will escalate out of control.
Fortunately, the Office of Student Conduct offers services to navigate conflict, including conflict coaching, informal mediation, and restorative circles. We can work with individuals, pairs, or groups to address conflict in a way that feels doable, by giving students the tools and resources to address conflict when it arises. To learn more, you can visit our website or reach out to [email protected].
Our goal is for you to have the tools to approach conflicts when they can be comfortably addressed, and to loop in the appropriate resources if things escalate. If you ever feel that your safety is at risk, please immediately contact Public Safety at 410-516-7777.
Conflict is basically unavoidable, but there are ways to navigate it and even learn from it. By approaching conflict with the right mindset and skills, you can turn challenges into opportunities for growth and stronger connections.