Communication in relationships doesn’t have to be scary

Think of communication as opening the window of your mind, and inviting someone else to open theirs. It can be scary, because it takes courage to expose ourselves to the unknown. It can also be stressful to navigate rejection, judgement, or conflict. But opening that window can also reveal compromise, agreement, and bonding.

The wonderful part is that when we have the skills to navigate the scary or stressful pieces of communication, we can end in a place where we and the other person(s) involved feel equally heard, valued, and safe, which can make future communication easier.

Healthy communications skills are often discussed in the context of romantic and sexual relationships, but these skills are useful in any relationship, including friendships, roommates, and family.

Communication can deepen our connection with the people who are important to us. We exchange feelings, needs, and stories with our partner(s) in this process. While there’s no one-size-fits-all formula for respecting and supporting everyone, communication can help us to embrace our individuality while caring for ourselves and our partners.

Here are some strategies to help you develop your communications skills.

Before a Conversation

1. Pick a good time and a good place for your talk. A high-stakes topic, where the resolution might have greater impact (like addressing something that has upset you), might require a different time and/or setting than something with lower stakes (like planning a weekend). For example, if one person wanted to talk about wanting to spend more intimate time together, it might be better to find a time where both partners are free, can focus on the conversation, and can spend adequate thought on the issues raised. Something like figuring out where to have dinner does not need the same consideration.
2. Think about what you want the other person(s) to understand. Whether the topic is high- or low-stakes, related to romantic or platonic or casual relationships, even briefly considering how you want to be understood or what you hope the other person(s) will understand can be beneficial. An example of a high-stakes topic you might want a roommate to understand is, “I want my roommate to know that I will have to find an alternate living situation if they continue to have loud gatherings all night long.” An example of a low-stakes topic you might want a sexual partner to understand is, “I want to have at least some light on while we have sex.” When we consider these beforehand, it gives us direction and a point to come back to during the conversation.
3. Remind yourself what you and the other person(s) are working for. Remember, you are having the conversation because the relationship is valuable to you! It is likely you have some desire for a similar outcome. It could be to clarify something before moving in with someone. It could be you both really are attracted to each other and want to have sex. It could be that you love each other very much and want to strengthen that bond by working on issues as a team. Keeping that goal in mind can also be a point to come back to, even when the conversation is only a few sentences.

During a Conversation

1. Enter the conversation with curiosity. Curiosity is an openness to learning. It gives us the opportunity to learn about others’ understandings of events and experiences. It gives us the opportunity to examine our role in the situation at hand, and in any outcomes resulting from the conversation. Leading with curiosity can give way to exploration of an array of possibilities for outcomes.
2. Listen to hear; don’t listen to formulate a response. This technique allows you to have an empathetic conceptualization of the other person’s lived experience. While the way another person has experienced events may not identically match our own, when we commit to understanding their full and real lived experience, we can begin to work with them to find outcomes that fit best for you both. Listening just to formulate a response ignores the other person’s vantage point for yours alone. Fair and lasting outcomes are unlikely when people are only listening to respond, because those outcomes were never informed by the experiences of the other people in the conversation, and therefore those people are not served equally by those outcomes.
3. Stay present. Avoid distractions like shows, phones, or homework. Find something to do with your hands, like a fidget toy, if you need help focusing.
4. Use active listening techniques. They show that you value your conversation partner(s) and can help you understand a different point of view. You can verify you understand what the other person is trying to convey by sharing your understanding of it. Ask for clarification if you don’t understand something. Don’t interrupt while another person is speaking. Employ nonverbal responses like eye contact, nodding, or facing the speaker.
5. Make use of “I statements.” “I statements” put the focus on how an individual is feeling or has experienced something, rather than placing blame directly on another. For example, one might say, “I feel like I am not fun enough when you decide to play video games every night after dinner,” instead of “You don’t think I am fun enough to hang out with.” Starting with “I” requires us to take ownership of our own feelings while still introducing the conflict or problem.
6. Make space for the other person(s) to disagree or to say no to a request. Make sure other people knows it is ok to disagree and to tell you when they don’t like or don’t want to do something. This can be as simple as saying ,“It’s ok to disagree” to set that standard. You can also make sure to respond calmly and patiently when a disagreement occurs.
7. Remind yourself what you and the other person(s) are working for. This is worth a second mention! You are having the conversation because the relationship is valuable to you.
8. Clarify your expectations and boundaries. Expectations, boundaries, and priorities may differ vastly between two (or more) people. Clarification can also help prevent unintentional hurt to others and to ourselves. For example, you can talk about what intimacy means to you. Intimacy might look like sex for some, but for others, it might be cuddling, sharing secrets, or other ways of being vulnerable with one another. In romantic relationships, partners could discuss what casual vs. committed relationships mean to each of them. People can also share boundaries about what they are ok with and what they are not ok with. For example, roommates might share that they are not okay with smoking in the house. Sexual partners might set limits to what they want to experience during an encounter, like only oral sex with no penetrative sex. Setting boundaries and expectations can ensure everyone has all the information they need to take care of each other.
9. Practice separating the issue from the individual. A lot of the time, the way someone responds to you isn’t about you at all. Sometimes, when people reject our offers or express strong emotions, they are just responding to the issue, not blaming the speaker. People might also be responding based on past experiences, rather than the experience in front of them. Try to think about what it would look like to work side by side, together as a team against the issue (rather than against each other).
10. Acknowledge that communication is not a one-time effort. Growing up in different environments means we’ve learned various communication styles, and what makes us feel safe can differ greatly from what others like. It takes time and effort to communicate without hesitation and fear. Initial rejection, judgment, or strong emotions can open the door to deeper conversations. There’s always room to explore what’s behind someone’s reactions, to share our feelings about their responses, and to discuss balancing everyone’s needs and expectations. Employing heathy communication skills can aid in deepened relationships where everyone is safe, cared for, and valued.

Also, it’s perfectly okay if you are not ready for full transparency. Respecting your own boundaries and taking care of your emotions is crucial. We can always start small with foundational communication, like asking for consent, and gradually developing a clearer understanding of the level of trust we can place in our partner(s).

These examples can sound technical, so stay tuned for Part 2, when we’ll show you how to put these skills to use in authentic ways.

Editor’s note: the cover art for this post came from romance comic book collection of the Sheridan Libraries.